Friday, June 10, 2011

Misunderstandings of Excited Utterances: Why I'm not an alcoholic.

  I don't drink. I mean I do... but not often. I've never even been drunk. Well there was that one time but it was my birthday alright?
    However, I'm afraid people are getting the impression I'm a functioning alcoholic. I finally realized that's what was happening when I told someone at work that I had recently bought a bottle of raspberry rum and had to fight the urge to put some in my coffee that morning. This comment was not well received.
       What I meant was: I had a raspberry mocha latte and I bet extra raspberry would have tasted yummy, but my raspberry flavor has a pesky amount of rum in it so I couldn't. It's really not about the alcohol.

    I also found Irish cream flavoring for my morning coffee and exclaimed (also at work in front of my boss)
         "Isn't this awesome? Now I can have Irish cream 24/7 without a DUI!"
   What I meant was: Irish cream is yummy, but the real kind makes you sleepy. I just like the taste, hence the flavored syrup.

   Then the other day I saw a strawberry-cheesecake shooter made of strawberry vodka and cream and said
           "Oh that looks so yummy!"
   What I meant was: That reminds me of actual strawberry cheesecake, which is tasty and I wish I had some.

   Also I told a group of strangers that I would probably like kids more after a drink or two.
   What I meant was: Children make me nervous and self-conscious because you never know when they are going to point out that you aren't as skinny as that other girl, or ask you why your face looks funny. Alcohol makes me less self-conscious.. you see where I was going? I never meant to imply I would drink while caring for children.
    -To my own detriment I also happened to be holding a margarita and having an uncomfortable staring contest with a stranger/baby when this sentence popped out of my mouth.

   I also made the mistake of telling a guy immediately before downing my first Irish Car-Bomb that I have a family history of alcoholism.
   What I meant was: Don't worry, I'm very aware of the dangers of alcohol. I appreciate this drink but will handle it responsibly and you don't have to be concerned that you are assisting me down a dark and deadly path to addiction.

  The point is, not everyone who considers putting rum in their morning coffee is an alcoholic. I intend to gauge my addiction-meter based solely on the motivations behind these questionable moments. For instance:
     Are you drinking that mimosa at 10am because: a) it's the only thing that will get you through the day, or b) because it tastes fantastic and you have nowhere else to be all day?
    Answer a: Alcoholic
    Answer b: Totally fine

   Are you having a third gummie-bear shot because: a) you want to get totally hammered at this bar so you lose all your inhibitions and have the courage to dance with that guy, or b) because they taste exactly like gummie-bears you guys! How is that not cool?
     Answer a: Alcoholic
     Answer b: Perfectly acceptable, also: how are those not cool?

   Do you insist on buying your friend who never drinks and is a total light-weight a Long Island Iced-Tea because: a) you feel self conscious drinking alone but you can't not drink, or b) it's hilarious.
     Answer a: Alcoholic
     Answer b: Understandable.

  And the final and single most important question I ask myself in order to properly gauge whether or not I am becoming an alcoholic: Does this seem like a genius idea:

Kinda, although my sign would mention pomegranate martinis.


  1. OOhhh! Raspberry Rum?
    I know you're not an alcoholic, but still I've periodically checked the cabinet to see if my rum is water. . .

  2. In my family tree I also find a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Its such a slippery slope for my family that lately I have tried to not drink when I am alone whatsoever, because I know that when I have one drink... It turns to more and more.

    But even though your lack of verbal communication skills, (Hey... At least you are better than me... Right?) I feel that you communicate that you are not an alcoholic and can stop drinking when needed. (As seen by your 21st.)

  3. Anna, you can try my rum if you want and I promise to never be like your last roommate and magically turn all your alcohol to water!

    CJ, I appreciate the validation here. I know I'm not but other people just roll their eyes and tell me that's what all alcoholics say ;)

  4. haha - I love this. and I now understand why so many people are concerned about you after seeing some of the things that tend to pop out of your mouth. You're like Anna is with accidentally-lesbian comments.