Friday, February 24, 2012

Scenes from Retail.

 Me: Hi! Are you finding everything okay today?

 Customer: Yes, thank you. *Dramatic Sigh*

Me: Um. Okay, well let me know if you have any questions.

Customer: Well obviously I have a question!

Me: Right, of course, I'm so sorry. How can I help you?

Customer: I'm shopping for a mirror for my granddaughter's room.

Me: Well we have these ones for 19.99...

Customer: Yes but the reflection isn't as good, see? (proceeds to hold mirror in front of her, facing me) Don't you look kind of fat in it?

Me: Ummm...

Customer: I mean in general. Don't you look fatter in cheaper mirrors? You see, my granddaughter has some self-esteem issues.

Me: Well how much did you want to spend?

Customer: Well I don't want to spend more than twenty dollars, but I want a high quality mirror. My granddaughter is 8 but she is kind of husky and I don't want to hurt her self-image.

Me: Uh-huh. But you're buying her a full-length mirror because...

Customer: Oh I'm going to glue little pink hearts and princess crowns and jewels all over it so she is inspired to look like a princess!

Me: Well, we have these ones for 49.99 but I don't think you would want to glue things to this frame.. it's really nice.

Customer: Exactly! I want a cheap, high quality mirror that will make her look thinner, with princess things on it to build her self-esteem. Why doesn't anyone carry that?

Me: Unfortunately, we can't really sell products for less than it costs to make them... so the high quality stuff is more expensive. That's generally how retail works.

Customer: That's a load of crap! I saw this same mirror at Wal-Mart for fifteen dollars! (pointing to 50 dollar mirror)

Me: Wow! That is a good deal! Really, it's pretty miraculous! You know what? Why don't I just call them to confirm that, and if so, I will sell you this mirror for fifteen bucks!

Customer: Oh well, maybe it wasn't the same one... now that I think about it, that one kind of made everyone look fat too.....

Me: Oh. Bummer.

Customer: (holding both mirrors side by side, facing me) I guess you only look a little fatter in the cheap one... (puts it in her cart)

Me: You have a lovely day Mam... (analyzes own reflection a bit longer, slinks away to break room to eat cheese and cry a little)

   *No wonder this Woman's granddaughter has self-esteem issues. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Let's Just Continue as if Nothing Ever Happened...

  Hey Everyone! So the other day I was at Vitamin Cottage and this lady in sweatpants totally...

  Okay not good enough?
   What? You want some sort of explanation as to my absence and perhaps an excuse concerning the desolate wasteland that this blog became last month, littered with nothing but the skeletal remains of retail related rants and a half-assed cartoon?
    Well the truth is I don't have one. Also a self help blog once told me that the number one thing you should never do on a blog is apologize for not blogging, and I'm using that as my excuse for not having an excuse (I'm so freaking Meta).

   I wish I could tell you something HUGE happened in my life. Like I had a baby, or was on a Cruise ship when it sank and I single-handedly saved like twelve people and have been too busy shaking hands with the President and pretending to be annoyed by all the publicity to blog about it.
   But the truth is I have just been horrendously busy with normal life things.
    "What? How dare you sacrifice your very successful and financially practical career plan to become a famous blogger for College and a Job!"

                       I know, I'm so irresponsible, I simply cannot prioritize.

   While I refuse so apologize for my absence, my pathological need to be liked and my shame-gland have kicked into high gear and so, to the four followers who actually noticed I was gone and give a crap, I present to you:

Apology Pony

You can tell he's really sorry but his pride won't let him say it.

   So even though this isn't a real blog post, and as my friends will be quick to point out, that's a "recycled" horse from my sketchbook, I'm just letting you all know that I'm totally back, I haven't abandoned the blog, and you can all expect a real post* within the next few days.
                                   *I would promise that it will be totally hilarious but I don't like to set the bar too high for myself.
  If it will help, I can totally finish the story about Vitamin Cottage Lady.... that place is a Goldmine for strange.