Last week I read an old blog post by The Sassy Curmudgeon about how she became a successful blogger. I was excited to read it considering my recent declaration to win the internet and I hunkered down with my coffee and toast all ready to be enlightened and whatnot.
It occurred to me halfway through that I should find some way of deleting it afterwards for selfish reasons. If this one blog post contained all the weaknesses of the internet and how to conquer it, I shouldn't let it get into just anyone's hands. How could I become famous if all of her 3 gazillion followers could also find out how to become a successful blogger?
Unfortunately the only way I know how to dispose of highly sensitive documents is to eat them* or burn them** and both processes were technically rendered useless once people abandoned paper for what is turning out to be the much less secure method of shooting everything into cyberspace to be sifted through by everyone and their mother, provided their mother can use a computer.
*An informative scene in the highly accurate film Cats and Dogs revealed that this method is not as secure as previously believed if your enemies pump your stomach before the acid can fully dissolve the remnants of said document.
**Unless you have absolutely no access to fire or a cigarette lighter or something I would recommend this method before eating any paper, for various security and health reasons.
However it soon became clear that my momentary panic at such sensitive and magical secrets being made public was unfounded. The final lesson of the post was this: Be patient. Keep writing, not for others but for yourself. You might become successful and you might not, only time will tell.
My inner child is not patient..... oh who am I kidding- all of me is not patient. I sometimes find myself being told by my inner child to be more patient because she is just as smart but much less uptight than me*.
*But that's because she gets to do fun things and doesn't have bills to pay, the ungrateful snot.
The thing is, Sassy Curmudgeon is secretly one of my idols- not in a creepy, I'm going to leave stuffed animals on your doorstep and steal your underwear way- but in the perfectly normal way that some people idolize other people......
What I'm saying here is I trust this complete stranger to give me good advice about life and writing even though she has no idea who I am. Knock it if you will, but humans have been idolizing people they don't even know ever since there were enough people in the world for some of them to be strangers*.
*It has just occurred to me that this is obviously because no one would idolize someone they actually knew- the magic is lost the first time you hear them fart.
So I believe her even though I don't want to. Truthfully I didn't need to be told that this was the only way to go about winning the internet. I already knew deep down that patience and persistence should be my strategy. My only other plot at this point was to go streaking at a Rockies game and then as I'm escorted off the field covered in a blanket just shout "Read my blog!" to the news cameras.
I know I should be talking about how I don't care if I ever get another follower because I am doing this for myself and for my friends and family whom I love dearly. Part of that is true, but I also have a slightly pathological need to be liked and validated by strangers. I could go into the deep psychological reasons for this or just go ahead and chalk it up to being a middle-child raised in a hyper-ethical, moralistic environment.
Even more difficult to admit is the part of me that loves being the center of attention. I sort of love public speaking because it's a chance to say what I want in front of an often captive audience, and I adore being on stage for practically any reason (except like a public hanging or something. I imagine my need for attention in that situation would be overcome by my desire to live).
If knowing this about me makes you like me less please forget I ever said it and understand that it is most likely a result of early exposure to musical theater (more specifically CATS, which is an exhibitionists haven if I ever saw one, and Phantom of the Opera, which is the only story I am currently aware of that leaves you with a desire to actually have a stalker- anyone who can sing like that can follow me anywhere).
It was just nice to know that I'm not missing the big secret to all this that all successful bloggers know about. I am promising right now to keep writing no matter what- for myself and also because if even one person reads it my ego practically goes into an ecstasy coma.
Also I hope Sassy Curmudgeon doesn't mind being runner-up to Tina Fey on my notebook list entitled Awesome and Funny Women Who Inspire Me.