Monday, December 5, 2011

How I became a Scrooge and Cindy Lou-Who became an Alcoholic.

    Let's not kid ourselves. Last month was not about Thanksgiving. Right after Halloween we begin to tout an ideology of thanks and giving lots of it and whatnot, but we Americans know which day is really the most important come November: Black Friday.
     I used to think it was inappropriately named, since it sounds so dark and sinister. Black Friday. Surely something horrible must have happened on this day in history right? Similar to Bloody Sunday only having to do with Native Americans.
    Well, I totally Googled that shit and it turns out Black Friday got it's name because of the horrors of pedestrian traffic in Philadelphia due to all the crazy sales and people trying to get to the airport.

    I'm going to pause and let that sink in for a minute....


    So Black Friday got it's name long, long ago, when a bunch of crazy people flooded the streets in search of the perfect transistor radio for their boyfriend's Christmas gift. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. 

Obviously Scrooge worked in retail.

      Speaking of dumb things, customers ( I know, nice segue).  Most people don't seem to realize this, but the crazies don't disappear after Black Friday. Nobody gets all their shopping done on Friday and because of that they are angrier than ever by mid December. 
     Retail workers have always known that people get crazier around the Holidays. They also get meaner, sneakier, dumber and more violent, which makes for an all around interesting workplace. People who are perfectly sane eleven months out of the year are suddenly willing to bash a stranger's head in for a marshmallow gun or an electric razor come December. Sales Associates spend the entire month of December just hoping the next person in line isn't the one willing to curb-stomp them over a Special Edition Wii.  

    Folks, I love Christmas. Like, REALLY love it. I'm a regular Cindy freakin' Lou-Who. I started listening to Christmas music back in October, I force people to go caroling and as I'm writing this I'm also drinking hot coco, listening to Carol of the Bells and gluing glittery pine-cones to the tops of Christmas presents. This season is like crack to me. All the giving, and caring and love and whatnot. 
     But retail can ruin all that for just about anyone. Yesterday I spent twenty minutes on the phone being berated and verbally abused by a customer until I finally put them on hold and yelled "You're ruining the magic of Christmas!" into the receiver before transferring them to my least favorite manager.
   You know what would have been an even better Dr. Seuss story? One where Cindy Lou-Who worked at a customer service counter and the Grinch just kept coming in and trying to return all the Christmas decorations he'd stolen from her the day before.
    That story wouldn't have ended with a hand-holding sing-a-long. It would have ended with Cindy going all Psycho on a blow-up Santa lawn ornament and drinking an entire bottle of Peppermint Schnapps in a tragic attempt to get Mariah Carey's version of "O' Holy Night" out of her head. 
   I'm just saying, it's a lot harder to get into the true spirit of the Holidays when every Who down in Who-ville is rushing the mall with a can of pepper spray just to get their hands on an Xbox.


  1. That would have been cool if you Dr. Seuss rhymed the last line...

  2. Why is Anonymous always so negative? Hey Anonymous, YOU Dr. Seuss rhyme it.

  3. I love your writing. Seriously, so good!