Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Why I'm considering a coffee-can under the mattress type of savings account..

     I had my Debit card information stolen this week.
     Rather, it was stolen about a year ago along with half of the population of Loveland, Colorado and I just found out about it this week. Apparently anyone who used a card at the movie theater in town in the last few years got their information stolen whether they know about it yet or not. So if you live in Northern Colorado and happened to go see Harry Potter or something last year.. I don't mean to freak you out or anything but yeah, you're pretty much screwed.
    Anyway, what happened was I was using my money to do super responsible things like get the oil changed in my car and buy a totally cute hoodie, which was on sale for crazy cheap and how could I not take advantage of what was obviously a huge mistake on the retailer's part, when my debit card got declined.*

      * Nobody panic I still got my hands on the hoodie. Even I will humble myself enough to use a checkbook out of materialistic desperation.

   However, the consumption of some Birthday-Kahlua and a severe cold combined with my already non-existent attention span meant that I didn't remember this issue until around 11 pm that night.
   The following is pretty much an exact transcript of my multiple conversations with bank employees, illustrating why having your account compromised ends up making you angrier at your own bank than the thieves themselves.
    Also please note that this conversation starts after several minutes of trying to get an automated system to understand my wheezy flu-voice.

    Automated telephone system (I named her Phyllis after the first few minutes): Thank you for calling Merp-a-derp Bank-that-shall-not-be-named customer service line. What are you calling about today?
    Me: Uh.. *cough cough* account fraud?

   Phyllis: I'm sorry, that is not one of our options. Please state why you are calling. Your answer could include things like; "What is my account balance?" "I would like to transfer funds" or "How can I"-

   Me: My account has been compromised

    Phyllis: I'm sorry, please say again.

    Me: My account *cough hack* has been compromised.

   *This continues for several minutes. I hope they don't record that portion of the call because Phyllis got a piece of my mind*

   Phyllis: Please hold.....

   Michael: Thank you for calling Merp-a-derp Bank my name is Michael how may I assist you today?

   Me: Yeah, I think my account has been compromised.

   Michael: My goodness I am so very sorry about that Mam! Let me pull up your account and take a look.

   *At this point I realize that because of my gravely flu-voice Michael thinks I'm a 65 year old smoker. Now he's pulling up my account and seeing that I have the financial history of a 21 year old coffee addict. While this is awkward, I'm far to tired and lazy to explain.*

  Michael: Ok I'm looking at your account right now, which transactions are you looking at?

   Me: Uh.. all the ones in Nebraska.

    Michael: I see, any reason these raise red flags for you?

   Me: Well Michael, for starters I don't live in Nebraska. Also it would be really hard to buy gas in Colorado and Nebraska in the same 20 minutes....
     *I wanted to add: "Unless I've got a time machine, but those are pretty hard to come by, and from what I can see they only really give those out to British people." but I didn't... *

    Michael: Oh I see well that is a very good point Mam. I'm going to give you peace of mind today! What I am going to do is file a report concerning these transactions.....wait...... ok well our system is down so I can't actually file your claim right now.

   Me: Ok.... so now what?

    Michael: Well, if I were you, I would call back in a few minutes..... or a couple hours...

   Me: Really? That's your "Peace of Mind"? Can't you at least, I dunno, write someone a note?

 Michael: What I can do is transfer you to someone at Mer-hurrrpaderr Financial who will help you make sure this never happens again..

   Me: Well no actu-

   Megan: Hello, this is Megan at Mer-hurrrpaderr Financial! I understand you are interested in signing up for identity theft protection! Let me get your information and we will start your no risk trial for only a dollar!

    Me: Megan, it's midnight here. I'm just trying to get my debit card frozen so no one can buy any more candy-bars in Grand Island. So if you could transfer me back...

   Megan: I am sorry for the inconvenience and I do hope you reconsider my offer!

   Me: Uh-huh...so if you could just-


   *This results in yet another painfully long conversation with Phyllis, after which I am finally transferred to a different employee...*

    Anthony: HellothisisAnthonyhowmayIassistyoutoday?
  *At this point I should point out that I can barely hear poor Anthony. This is not because of his accent, which I am very good at understanding, but because he talks so fast it makes you think his calls are being timed. I'm sure my slow, Nyquil affected speech was not helping him meet his productivity quota.* 

   Me: Um... my account has been compromised.

    Anthony: IseeIamsosorrywhydoyouthinkthishashappened?

   Me: *sigh, cough* Someone is using it in Nebraska...

   Anthony: Okletmepullupyouraccountinfo..ok... yesIcanclearlyseetheproblemletmefileaclaimforyou?

   Me: Um, I'm sorry?

   Anthony: OhIwasjustsayingIamgoingtofileaclaim?

   Me: Could... could you repeat that?

   Anthony *sigh* I...amgoingto...file..a...claim.

   Me: Oh Ok cool.

   Anthony: It looks like our systemsaredown so I wouldhavetofile an actualpaperformso.. thatwouldtakemequiteawhile...

   Me: Anthony?

   Anthony: Yes Mam, howcanIhelpyou?

   Me: Do you have a pen?

   Anthony: Um... yes?

   Me: Cool. I'll hold.

    I am absolutely positive Anthony hates me a little bit, but there is just a certain time of night, after a few doses of cold medicine and one too many arguments with Phyllis when I just don't give a rat's ass.


  1. Oh come on, Baylee. We all know that the Doctor showed up on your doorstep, loaded you up in the TARDIS and took you on a pleasure cruise to Nebraska. I'm sorry you did some ill-advised spending there, but that's no reason to claim account fraud. It's time you owned up to your actions.