Friday, February 24, 2012

Scenes from Retail.

 Me: Hi! Are you finding everything okay today?

 Customer: Yes, thank you. *Dramatic Sigh*

Me: Um. Okay, well let me know if you have any questions.

Customer: Well obviously I have a question!

Me: Right, of course, I'm so sorry. How can I help you?

Customer: I'm shopping for a mirror for my granddaughter's room.

Me: Well we have these ones for 19.99...

Customer: Yes but the reflection isn't as good, see? (proceeds to hold mirror in front of her, facing me) Don't you look kind of fat in it?

Me: Ummm...

Customer: I mean in general. Don't you look fatter in cheaper mirrors? You see, my granddaughter has some self-esteem issues.

Me: Well how much did you want to spend?

Customer: Well I don't want to spend more than twenty dollars, but I want a high quality mirror. My granddaughter is 8 but she is kind of husky and I don't want to hurt her self-image.

Me: Uh-huh. But you're buying her a full-length mirror because...

Customer: Oh I'm going to glue little pink hearts and princess crowns and jewels all over it so she is inspired to look like a princess!

Me: Well, we have these ones for 49.99 but I don't think you would want to glue things to this frame.. it's really nice.

Customer: Exactly! I want a cheap, high quality mirror that will make her look thinner, with princess things on it to build her self-esteem. Why doesn't anyone carry that?

Me: Unfortunately, we can't really sell products for less than it costs to make them... so the high quality stuff is more expensive. That's generally how retail works.

Customer: That's a load of crap! I saw this same mirror at Wal-Mart for fifteen dollars! (pointing to 50 dollar mirror)

Me: Wow! That is a good deal! Really, it's pretty miraculous! You know what? Why don't I just call them to confirm that, and if so, I will sell you this mirror for fifteen bucks!

Customer: Oh well, maybe it wasn't the same one... now that I think about it, that one kind of made everyone look fat too.....

Me: Oh. Bummer.

Customer: (holding both mirrors side by side, facing me) I guess you only look a little fatter in the cheap one... (puts it in her cart)

Me: You have a lovely day Mam... (analyzes own reflection a bit longer, slinks away to break room to eat cheese and cry a little)

   *No wonder this Woman's granddaughter has self-esteem issues. 


  1. Personally, I'd keep eating cheese.

    1. Oh trust me, I rarely stop eating cheese....

  2. I want your customers! So entertaining... But I don't think I'd handle the situations you get into as well. haha

  3. Here's a possible solution (warning -- contains engineering ideas!):
    Get a stiff piece of plywood (5/8" or 3/4" thick) and cut it to the size of the mirror. Glue thin strips of wood (like free yardsticks) along both vertical edges. Now carefully attach the mirror firmly to the plywood at the centers of the top and bottom edges with strong spring clips (like "bulldog" paper clamps). Voila! That should bend the mirror, making it slightly concave along the vertical axis, resulting in making everything looking "thinner" width-wise! WARNNG -- I have not tried this and will not be responsible for a broken mirror!)

    1. If that works I might just start insisting that's it's done to every mirror in my house.

  4. Props for surviving retail, it fucking blows. This is a great post though, have you submitted it to retail hell underground? If you haven't you totally should!

    I love cheese as well... ...and killing plants. Especially orchids.

    1. Thanks! I have not submitted it.. maybe I will. There's plenty more where that came from!