Saturday, May 28, 2011

Llama Saliva and My Imminent Death

     My life thus far can be tracked through a steady series of minor inconveniences and odd situations. I never realized I was different in this respect until other people started noticing. I mean we're talking ridiculous things that normal people shouldn't have to worry about happening as they go through their day. Combine these with the fact that I am extraordinarily accident prone and it's a dangerous combination. Examples you say?
       -A llama spit on my windshield once.
    "Were you parked in a field?"
     "In the countryside?"
       " In Argentina?"
     No friends, I was not. I was in the middle of a city, stopped at a light in three lanes of traffic outside a Wal-Mart.
     - Last week I came within inches of running over an endangered animal- the national bird no less- which just happened to be sitting in the middle of the road at four in the afternoon just, you know, chilling.*

              *not that I would have felt too guilty for hitting it. I'm sorry but if you have the gift of flight and STILL get hit by a car, that's on you.

    -  I dislocated my knee while..... wait for it........ walking.

  - I currently have three bruises on my shin from tripping over a shake-weight.
           "Do you own a shake-weight?" 
                             - No.

            Do shake-weight's actually work?"
                             -Don't change the subject.

     I have several years worth of these examples if you would like more, but suffice it to say I'm growing slightly concerned.
     I can't decide if I should be worried that these events will eventually culminate in a ridiculous accident ultimately causing my death, or if I will just end up paying twice as much for my health insurance because they'll finally figure out how to qualify "slightly cursed" as a pre-existing condition.
   You can say it's all in my head. You can give me examples showing these things happen to everyone. But I have evidence, witnesses, documentation. Ask my sister- the odds are uncomfortably high that my name will be in the paper under this headline:
       "Freak Accident Takes Life: Giant stuffed bunny catches fire by magnifying glass, causes nearby water buffalo to panic, stampedes science lab releasing toxic gas, civilian hit by car while crossing street to avoid smell."

      Just know that as I step unwittingly into the path of that Prius, my last thought will probably be:
                          "Crap did I turn off the coffee pot?"


  1. oh it is so true - you trip over things that don't even exist for the rest of us.

  2. dude, the prius will hit you too, because YOU CAN'T HEAR THOSE THINGS COMING! I have a dream of owning a Prius and driving around behind people in parking lots and HONKING at them. Really. I do dream about these things...