*Disclaimer: I know I'm making a fool of myself even writing about this, but I think a lot of you, deep down inside, also have a mild, sick fascination with these films. I'm here to save you the cash that you were about to spend out of curiosity*
Due to circumstances quite out of my control (A birthday wish from someone who shall remain nameless for their own well-being), I was coerced into watching the latest installment of the Twilight series. In the Theater. The Saturday directly following it's release. Watching a Honeymoon scene with a room full of tweens is officially my 3rd circle of Hell.
I know movie reviews aren't really my thing but there are just some things I really need to get off my chest here folks, so hang in there.
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| "All of these people are about to have some serious feelings" |
In fact, I'm not even going to review it, I'll just summarize it and let you decide if it was worth the $6.50 Matinee price I paid for it.
First of all, we are all too familiar with the 80's training montages set to ACDC songs or the like. I have nothing against these, in fact I'm rather fond of them. Pretty much every ACDC song I own conjures up some sort of training montage in my highly impressionable mind. So imagine my distress when I was forced to sit through the fantasy-romance version of this scene: The Emotion Montage.
Rather than a bunch of weight-lifting and cool martial arts moves set to a sweet rock anthem, the Emotion Montage features a bunch of slow motion flashbacks and close-ups of faces sporting that "slightly tormented" downward gaze, set to a bunch of Iron and Wine songs. Oh and there wasn't just one. There were about twelve.
So here is a scene-by-scene breakdown of Breaking Dawn Part I:
Monotone voice-over that begins every film......Wedding.............. Emotion Montage........................Honeymoon-very awkward not-so-sexy-time- Happiness Emotion Montage* .... ............................ Pregnant!...... Emotion Montage..........................................Jacob is here!....... ................................ Emotion Montage..........................Disney-esque wolf argument............... Emotion Montage .............................Bella is sick! Worry! ..................................... Emotion Montage.... .........................Acceptably gory C-section...................................Bella is dead! Emotion Montage!. ...........................Slow close up of dead-Bella's face.......... ... Eyes open!
Credits.
Basically what I'm saying here is, nothing happens in this movie..... except lots and lots of feelings. Oh and one weird scene with some poorly animated wolves and dramatic voice-overs.
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| "We're having emotions." |
P.S. I'm way too lazy to do any sort of research on this but if I had to guess I'd say this film was directed by a girl. If I'm wrong, then he's gay. Even if he says he's not, he is. Just wait and see.
Emotion montages are the whole point of the Twilight books (our emotions are so deep, and beyond expression that we need montages). Yes it is emo and yes I do have a sick fascination of the whole series. (Oh God, I hope I'm not emo)
ReplyDeleteOn a side note I did enjoy the make-up artists making the main character look like she was from a concentration camp. And the wolf-telepathy thing was not done well at all. (I would have enjoyed Dune witch voices better)
I was really impressed with the make-up. I was expecting some dark circles and bruises with over-all hotness. So I was really happy when she looked so realistically horrible. That was pretty cool. I was like "dang she looks horrible.... awesome...."
ReplyDeleteI have to say that almost dead Bella is my favorite Bella...and also no ten-year-old boys should be allowed to go to that movie, let alone want to go.
ReplyDeleteWas Kristen Stewart as languid as she is in every movie? She's so good at being dull that I just can't wait to see her be dull again! squeal (purposely typed 'squeal' in lowercase and without asterisks to show the true sarcasm of my comments)
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen it, but I can safely say that almost dead Bella is likely my favorite Bella, too. I'm sure I'll be disappointed when she opens her eyes...
ReplyDeleteMy only hope is that they go off-book in the next movie and create some serious R-rated carnage just to make up for the feeling-buffet..
ReplyDelete